A Letter for 2018

Hi Amber,

It’s 2018!  Wow!  Can you believe it?  Somehow you’ve survived this long, and maybe things aren’t looking too bad.  You’ve got new medication and a little more energy, and even though your last counseling session of 2017 wasn’t ideal, maybe now you and your therapist are on the same page.  So… that’s progress.  It’s scary.  I know it’s scary, because starting new is always unsettling.  But here is a new year and you are so very brave.  2018 is the year of venturing into the unknown.  It’s our first full year out of college.  We’ll finish AmeriCorps and then… well, I don’t know yet.  But you know where you want to be, and at this stage in your life, that’s in the classroom.  Already you’ve applied to two programs, and the odds are in your favor.

Listen, if you’re ever feeling uncertain or lost for purpose, let me tell you: you love the children.  You love them with all your heart.  You want for them to succeed more than you want anything else, and you can, and they can, because they are small but smart, and they are young and resilient and deserve every chance.  No, you can’t save them, we can’t save people, we just can’t, but hey – you can be there, you can be understanding, you can stand up for them and love them.  There are going to be bad days and hard days and rough days; there are going to be plenty of people who you think don’t love them enough or don’t believe in them enough or are in it for the wrong reasons or are painfully negative.  Keep your head up.  You can find your own balance and your own tune.  You don’t have to bend to the culture of any teacher’s lounge.  You can trust what’s within you.

You can trust what’s within you.  On a bad day when you’re reading this, or maybe any time at all, this is going to sound awfully cheesy.  Maybe it is, maybe it’s not, beats me.  But you can.  There is a voice in there and it’s sometimes real quiet, but I believe in you and I’ve seen you listening to it more and more.  Maybe we haven’t been perfect, but life is less and less about being faultless and more and more about being true.  You’ll get into fights.  You’ll let people down or frustrate them, and sometimes you’ll be angry and wrong and that’s okay.  You gotta just be, babe.  Be stunningly yourself.  Don’t be quietly polite to boys you go on dates with, don’t lie about having favorite things to seem less weird, don’t hide your way of being, and above all and in summary, please refuse to be small.  This is not a year for being small.  This is a year of becoming.  You’ve been building to this.  This year has no end goal, but it’s a beginning.

2018 is a beginning, and don’t you feel your life opening up in front of you?  It is, it will, I promise.  I know.  The world is not going to stop sucking, but you’ve been preparing and you’re ready; you’ve been building yourself up to fight.  Do not be quiet.  Life has become politics and there is no more neutrality if there ever was.  This is a year to not go quietly.  This is a year to spend in the streets, fighting and giving and being as kind as you can.  Your kindness is radical.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Maybe the people you know are together while you start again on your own, maybe they are getting married, getting engaged, getting success in spades.  But didn’t anybody ever tell you that Facebook is a liar and a comparer and a thief?  Honey, this year, let’s practice being accepting of where we’re at and letting that be.  Let’s find joy and survival where we can.  So we’re using paper plates, alright.  But there’s really no wrong way of being.  Give yourself some breathing space.  Like your therapist says, “Meet yourself where you’re at.”  Demanding and demanding and demanding will exhaust you.

You’re brave and you’re strong and you have goals and ambitions and hopes and dreams.  There are no limits, but no requirements either. Feel it out.  Take it a month, a week, a day, an hour at a time.  Use your support system.  Love people.  Keep on.  Hold tight to yourself.  Everything you are is enough.  It’s everything you are meant to be at this exact moment in time.

I love you.  Be true.


January 2, 2018


My Love/Hate Relationship with TV True Love

I haven’t written in a while, because of Big Life Changes… moving, working, learning how to be an adult in this strange, sometimes kind of apocalyptic world.

Life, personally, and on a worldwide scale, has not been easy lately. But early on in my journey with depression, I learned that sitcoms could be a great coping mechanism.  In sitcoms, things are funny when the news is devastating, love exists no matter what, drastic changes never disrupt life for more than 20 minutes.  I’ve been working my way through the pantheon of the modern greats: The Office, Parks and Recreation, Friends, 30 Rock.  I started with How I Met Your Mother (which is not in the list of the greats, because I have more than a couple of bones to pick with that show), but you get the point.  So, with all these recent Big Changes, (and because my building has pitiably terrible internet, Netflix on a regular basis is out of the picture), I’ve been watching The Mindy Project on DVD from the library.

It’s a great show – I love Mindy Kaling’s style of comedy.  Finding it felt like coming home, since she was the producer and writer of so many episodes of The Office.  The Mindy Project has all the stuff I love in a sitcom: original plots, heartfelt and dynamic characters, legitimately funny writing, and of course, the romantic subplot.

In The Mindy Project, the whole premise is that the romantic subplot is more of the A plot, as Mindy wanders her way through quirky relationships in search of rom-com perfection.  Except that somehow, despite Mindy’s search for a relationship being the entire point, the show still includes sitcom subplot staple, the true love plot.

Does that make it sound like I’m annoyed about it?  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I love the true love subplot.  The true love subplot is my bread and butter.  I only started watching The Office because I had heard of the magical wonderland that is Jim and Pam.  Chandler and Monica are uncontestedly the best part of Friends.  And it’s not just sitcoms… the smoldering Scully and Mulder, the originators of true Unresolved Sexual Tension, are half the reason I love The X-Files so much.

I love love.  I love true love, especially.  I love TV love because it’s so obvious, it’s so present, because the actors embody these characters created especially for each other.

Earlier tonight, I finished the second season of The Mindy Project.  I’ve been slow in getting through the last few episodes because (spoilers, I guess:) Danny broke up with Mindy just after they’d begun to date, and though I know it’s too easy to just let your leads get together without the whole dance of misunderstandings (it is called a situational comedy for a reason, you know), I was so mad.  I was so mad at Danny for calling things off because he was scared of commitment and then setting us up for several episodes of a confused dynamic and awkward “are we still friends?” game.  And as you do, he made some pretty poor choices, that, had this been real life, would have caused me several breakdowns, at least one anxiety attack, and a damn good screaming session.

Of course, they got together, and things ended well for now.  That’s how TV works.

Here’s the thing though – I get so, so emotionally invested.  I live pretty much alone, I’m a quiet person in a new city, and I’m not ashamed to admit that these characters become my friends.  I think that we all feel that way to some extent, or else these shows wouldn’t work the way they do.  I love TV love because it’s comforting.  It says, yes, this does exist, yes, people do end up together, yes, everything is okay at the end of the day.  That’s why I watch sitcoms to cope with negative feelings.  I don’t expect realism, I expect safety.

I’m also demisexual/demiromantic, which means my romantic love & attraction feelings toward others are pretty minimal.  True love subplots provide me a way to feel represented or participatory (or something) within the heteronormative narrative, because they are characters I’m emotionally invested in “transcending” just physical attraction.  In most plots about true love, we see physical affection as an expression of emotion, as opposed to the ‘real world’ where (so I’m told) people feel attraction first and then go on to develop emotional rapport.

So when it doesn’t work out, if even for just a few episodes there’s no relationship resolution, it physically hurts me.  It’s actually devastating.  I cannot rewatch a good portion of season 9 of The Office because the out-of-the-blue conflict between Jim and Pam gives me such bad anxiety.

I take these shows (probably) way too seriously, but I do so because I’m looking for confirmation of love and happiness in the world.  I went through the break up of my first and only major relationship almost 3 years ago now, but still when I see a TV portrayal of a relationship I love put in peril because of a man who refuses to communicate, panic seizes a part of my heart.  Particularly when it’s uncalled for in the plot or is at odds with the tone of the show (looking at you, Jim Halpert).  Between my anxiety, my depression, and my weird defensive neuroses about love, what can I say?

This isn’t an article to say TV romances are good or bad, that they aren’t realistic enough, that they give impressionable young girls (ie, me) terrible expectations toward relationships or anything else even vaguely argumentative.  I don’t even know what I’m really trying to say, other than I’m trying to understand my own relationship with media & romance and why they are both salving and triggering to me.

Reclaiming Myself: Thoughts on Tattoos and Depression

Nearly anyone you ask who has tattoos will tell you it’s kind of addictive.  I can confirm this, because in two weeks, I have an appointment scheduled to start on my third.  I’m not sure what it is about getting one that is so magnetic, but I remember I’d barely left the shop after finishing my first before I decided that I would be back.  It was only a matter of time.  I loved the process, the hum of the needle drumming against skin and muscle until you’re achy and numb, the smell of the ink and the antibiotic ointment, the plasma, the plain soap and unscented lotion I use for months afterward.  I just frickin’ love the smell of new tattoos. And (although maybe that’s kind of weird), I know I’m not alone in this drive to fill my body with art and drop hundreds of dollars while I’m at it – I’ve had this conversation many a time.


Tat #1, back a couple of years when it was new

What is it about tattoos that’s so special?

Obviously, there’s no single answer.  But personally, my newest ink coincides with another major life change, meaning that as I’m counting down the days til that new tattoo smell, I’m also just a few weeks away from graduating college.

Let me explain why these are related: I’ve gotten a tattoo ever year since my sophomore year.  That was also the year of a deeply traumatic breakup that coincided with the manifestation of my depression and general anxiety (but just so we’re clear, the tattoo did come first in that sequence of events).  It’s not surprising, because statistics show that most mental illness seriously presents between the ages of 18 and 22.  But contrast this fact with the image we circulate in American society that your college years are supposed to be some of the best years of your life – see an issue?  Not only was I depressed and only just beginning to realize that anxiety was eating away both at myself and my interactions with others, but I have also felt deeply and grievously guilty that I was not having the proper college experience.  In fact, I’m willing to say that I hated it about as equally as I enjoyed it.  And that’s normal.

I got two tattoos, I got (and am still getting) help.  And now college, this symbol of my first struggle with major depression, is coming to an end.

A while back, I read this article by John Donovan, where he discusses the results of a study by Jerry Koch, a Texas Tech sociologist who studies body art.  Koch argues that women who have 3-4+ tattoos often have higher self-esteem, but also have struggled with mental health issues, namely suicide attempts.  And even though Koch acknowledges that by no means is this a fully comprehensive survey (obviously not every tattoo aficionado is horribly depressed), he says, “We’re speculating that there’s a connection there, that the acquisition of body art up to that point might be an effort at a sort of emotional restoration…”

To steal a little more from Donovan’s article, Koch goes on to speculate, “I would suspect that part of why people seek to attempt suicide is they get the idea that who they are isn’t worthy of life… and once they survive that, maybe they’re saying, ‘Hey, screw you, I’m worthy, and here’s the proof. I’ll adorn myself and present myself, maybe in a pretty dramatic way, just so you know for sure that I’m who I am.’”

(A side note: if you are now opening a new tab to Google something like “women + depression + tattoos”, stop what you’re doing and… no, just stop.  There are some fantastically misogynistic posts on this subject.  Be careful out there, friends.)

Personally, I’ve never attempted suicide.  I know and have known people who have, and I’m so thankful that most of them are still with us.  If you are looking for a sign to stay alive, right here, right now, I’m telling you: please, your pain means something, we care about you, and as much as it feels like forever, nothing truly is.

Personally, on the other hand, I have spent my fair share of time in passive suicidal thoughts, the sort of thing where I think, “I really would rather be dead right now,” or “If I could just not exist for a little while that would be great,” or “I feel so screwed up I might as well be dead.” (As I write this, I feel like I’m exaggerating – that I don’t want the folks at home to think things are this bad.  And they’re not – most of the time.  But given that these are all thoughts I have literally had, they don’t really qualify for the exaggeration realm.)

My main point is that when you spend all that time suffering, isolated by an invisible illness, besieged by the weight of your twisted perceptions of reality, battered by your brain into the belief of your own worthlessness, you don’t even feel like a real person anymore.  You get confused about who you are, why you’re even on this planet (or any other, not judging), what the value of your individuality is – what is the worth of my soul?

And so, Koch’s conclusion make sense to me, because they are the conclusions that I too have come to.  I have felt for so long that this body is not my home, angry that I didn’t choose it, didn’t choose to be alive in it, didn’t choose to fill it with strange and crushing sadness.  I have felt as if my life has been inhabited by a stranger who goes through the motions of day-to-day living, this gray, vague fog that has made this skin dull and un-enthused.

When I choose to put something on my body, I have chosen a little bit more of myself to voluntarily stay in the world.  It’s as if 90% of my body was taken hostage by this illness, and each tattoo, each quantity of skin I cover, I take back for myself.  I bump it down.  80%.  75%.  It’s like saying to my depression, “You don’t own me.”  These tattoos are the parts of myself choosing life, on my terms.  I would like to think of them as my movement towards a more authentic life, becoming braver and bolder and learning to stand up for myself and my enough-ness.  They are pictographs of the person inside of me, working her way to the surface.  Or I guess, from the surface, into my skin. (Ha, it’s a tattoo joke, get it? Because the ink has to settle… Never mind.)

Tattoos have been permanence when I am faced with upheaval, markers of strength when I don’t feel so strong.  It feels fitting to add another to my collection as I reach the denouement of my college career and turn toward the future.

Plus, they’re just cool.

Why You Should Listen to The Hilarious World of Depression (or at least the first episode)

I’ll tell you two things about my recent chronic obsession with podcasts: first of all, I am without fail at least three months behind on listening to new shows because there are too many of them downloaded on my phone and I don’t have the heart to delete them, because what if that one is an interesting one and then I miss it?

Secondly, over the past year, no voice has become more of a comfort to me than Peter Sagal.  If you don’t know who that is, he’s the host of one of NPR’s most popular shows, Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me, a weekly hilarious news quiz (a popular NPR host is probably a contradiction in terms, I understand the irony).  He’s unfailingly warm and witty, and to my mind, just a generally excellent human person.

In plowing through some of my oldest podcasts during a recent flight, I put on the first episode of The Hilarious World of Depression.  I’d subscribed to it because, well, a) as established, I have a deep love of podcasts and not enough of them already, b) *cough, cough*… I deal with depression, and c) my beloved Peter Sagal was the first interviewee.

There’s this fairly common trope that often comedians are the people dealing with some of the darkest emotions.  Robin Williams, Maria Bamford (who’s in episode #2!), etc.  We often forget, as host John Moe points out, that these people suffer because outwardly, they make us laugh.  They display boundless energy.  I had never considered that Peter Sagal suffered from depression.  I was really taken with this first episode in particular, because I resonated with so much of what Peter had to say.

For example, I too am an acclaimed NPR host – no, actually that’s a lie.

But in reality, like Peter, I’m a high-functioning sufferer of depression, which means I’m good at hiding it and going about my shit on a daily basis fairly well.  I’ve never, until just recently, been open about it – and in fact, this blog is the first time I’ve ever written about it – because it felt (feels) like this shameful thing, this ugly weakness.  Both Sagal and Moe discuss how this is the cunning of the disease: it wants you to feel alone.  It thrives when you feel cut off.  And though unlike Peter Sagal, I have never been through a traumatic divorce, I too have used Amy Poehler’s Parks and Recreation as therapy.  (Also, Friends, 30 Rock, and the first eight seasons and last episode of The Office (season 9 was stressful.  Let’s not get into it)).

Alongside Peter, John Moe is a wonderful and compassionate host.  He begins the episode relating (so to speak) his ‘depression credentials’, his personal story, the paralyzing fear that I know pretty well that you’re just plain going crazy.  He discusses the power of comedy that has drawn so many people (knowingly depressed or not).  And how it wasn’t until adulthood that anyone bothered to explain to him that no, he wasn’t a weirdo, he was depressed.  He also mentions how frightened he was to go public with his depression… and the in-pouring of support and comradery he received in return.

When I say that these two men, chatting openly about their mental illnesses, both seriously and in jest, made me feel less alone, don’t take it lightly.

I’ve heard all of the counseling stockpile statements about how many people secretly deal with depression, regardless of how unique and isolated and misunderstood I felt.  I know the gist, I’m not the only one and I’m not alone.  But how many of us really believe that when our brains our telling us the other 23 hours in a day that we are complete outsiders to real, neuro-typical society?  I’ve worked hard to make it so other people don’t see me struggling.  But I never assume that other people I encounter are fudging it just as much.

The day I listened to this was a week or two after one of my worst breakdowns in real recent history, a day where multiple weeks of pain had built up and I couldn’t figure out a single concrete reason that I was alive (other than to feed my cat, I kid you not), and had my first panic attack in months at my therapist’s office.

But then John Moe and Peter Sagal came on, and they told me everything was mostly going to be okay, and that they knew what I was struggling with, and suddenly I wasn’t alone and I was going to be okay, and I knew that with a clarity that I haven’t had in months.  They made me feel seen.  Understood.

So, if you’re struggling with mental health right now, I see you.  I can count there’s at least four of us now.  Go listen to John Moe say calming things.  We can still be real, good people even with depression.  Like Peter Sagal.

If you aren’t, you probably know people who are, and it’s a beautiful and moving and funny listen anyhow, so put it on and do whatever chore you’ve been putting off.

You can find The Hilarious World of Depression here: https://www.apmpodcasts.org/thwod/2016/12/peter-sagal-opens-up/ 

And then, once you feel all fuzzy inside, put on a Wait, Wait for good measure. Peter Sagal will appreciate it.